Understanding Grief and Loss: Why There Is No Right Way to Grieve

Shock… Pain… Overwhelming sadness… Confusion… Anger… Loneliness… Helplessness… Despair…

These are just some of the emotions that can accompany the loss of someone we love.

If you’ve lost someone close to you, you’ll know that grief can feel incredibly difficult to put into words.

One moment you might feel completely overwhelmed by sadness. The next, you might feel angry, numb, confused or even strangely okay.

You might find yourself laughing at a memory one minute and crying unexpectedly the next.

And you may wonder:

“Is this normal?”

“Why am I feeling like this?”

“How am I ever going to feel okay again?”

The truth is, grief doesn’t follow a neat or predictable path.

And understanding this can be incredibly important.

The Five Stages of Grief Aren’t a Roadmap

You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief:

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

These stages were originally developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her work with people who were facing their own impending death. They were later adapted, with David Kessler, to help describe some of the experiences people can have following loss.

But there’s an important distinction that is often missed.

The five stages were never intended to be a step-by-step roadmap for grief.

Kessler has emphasised that the stages are not linear, universal or something that every grieving person will experience in a particular order. They are better understood as ways of describing some of the emotions and experiences that may arise during grief.

You might experience anger before sadness.

You might feel acceptance one day and deep despair the next.

You might experience several emotions at once.

You might experience some of the stages and not others.

And you may continue to experience waves of grief long after you thought you were “supposed” to be feeling better.

There is no correct way to grieve.

Your grief is as unique as you are.

Grief Isn’t Something You Simply “Get Over”

One of the most unhelpful ideas about grief is that the goal is to eventually “get over” your loss.

But when we love someone deeply, their death doesn’t erase the relationship we had with them.

The relationship changes.

This is where the idea of continuing bonds has become increasingly important in our understanding of grief.

You don’t necessarily need to stop thinking about the person, stop missing them or somehow “move on” from them.

Instead, over time, you may find a way to carry your relationship with them differently.

You might talk about them.

Look at photographs.

Listen to their favourite music.

Continue traditions they loved.

Tell your children stories about them.

Imagine what they would say when something happens in your life.

Or simply allow yourself to feel their presence in your memories.

These ongoing connections can become an important part of learning to live with loss.

Your Grief May Look Completely Different From Someone Else’s

I remember losing a lifelong school friend when I was 17 years old.

It was a sudden and tragic accident.

I remember being in shock and falling to the ground at school when I found out what had happened.

But I also remember another lovely friend of mine who didn’t shed tears at school throughout this time.

Back then, I couldn’t understand it.

I remember thinking:

How could she not be crying?

Isn’t she devastated that we’ve lost our friend?

What’s wrong with her?

What I understand now is that nothing was necessarily wrong with her.

She was grieving differently.

Some people cry constantly.

Some people become very practical and focus on what needs to be done.

Some people want to talk about the person they’ve lost.

Others don’t want to talk at all.

Some people experience intense emotions immediately.

Others feel numb for a period of time before the reality of the loss begins to sink in.

Some people experience relief alongside sadness, particularly after a long illness or a difficult relationship.

None of these responses automatically tells us how much someone loved the person they lost.

There is no single way grief is supposed to look.

Grief Can Come in Waves

One of the things that can be particularly confusing about grief is that you may begin to feel as though you’re coping, and then suddenly something knocks the wind out of you.

A song.

A smell.

A birthday.

A familiar place.

A photograph.

A conversation.

A holiday.

An anniversary.

Or something completely unexpected.

Suddenly, the loss can feel painfully present again.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “going backwards”.

Grief can ebb and flow.

You can experience moments of laughter, connection and even happiness while still grieving deeply.

In fact, being able to experience moments of pleasure doesn’t mean that you have forgotten the person you’ve lost.

And feeling devastated again doesn’t mean you’ve failed to heal.

You are learning to live in a world that has changed.

You Don’t Have to Suppress Your Grief

When grief is painful, it can be tempting to push it away.

You might keep yourself constantly busy.

Throw yourself into work.

Take care of everyone else.

Avoid talking about what happened.

Tell yourself you need to “be strong”.

Or worry that if you allow yourself to fully feel the sadness, you might never stop crying.

But grief needs somewhere to go.

Having a safe person who can listen without trying to fix, minimise or rush your pain can be incredibly valuable.

Sometimes you don’t need advice.

You don’t need someone to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

You don’t need to hear that they’re “in a better place”.

You simply need someone who can sit with you in the reality of what has happened.

You need to be heard.

Therapy can provide that kind of space, a place where you can talk about the person you’ve lost, the circumstances surrounding the death, the emotions you’re experiencing, the things you regret, the things you miss, and the future you had imagined that has now changed.

And Then There Is Meaning

David Kessler’s work later expanded the traditional five-stage framework by introducing a sixth stage:

Meaning.

Importantly, finding meaning does not mean finding a reason for someone’s death.

It doesn’t mean deciding that the loss was “meant to happen”.

And it certainly doesn’t mean putting a positive spin on something painful.

Meaning is something much more personal.

It might be discovering something about yourself through your experience.

It might be choosing to live differently.

It might be becoming more intentional about your relationships.

It might be carrying forward something your loved one taught you.

It might be supporting others who experience a similar loss.

It might be creating something in their memory.

Or it might simply be recognising how deeply you were capable of loving.

Kessler’s work suggests that meaning can emerge from grief without taking away the pain of the loss. In fact, love and meaning can become part of how we continue living alongside that loss.

You Don’t Have to “Move On”

Perhaps we need to rethink the language we use around grief.

You don’t necessarily need to move on.

You may need to move forward while carrying the love and memories with you.

Your life may eventually become meaningful and fulfilling again.

You may laugh again.

You may experience joy again.

You may make new memories and develop new relationships.

And you may still miss the person you lost.

These things can exist together.

There is no magic timeline by which you should be “over” your grief.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

And there is no prize for grieving quickly.

Your grief is yours.

It reflects the relationship, the circumstances of the loss, your personality, your history, your support network and the meaning that person had in your life.

So, if you’re grieving right now, perhaps the most important thing you can hear is this:

You don’t have to rush your grief.

You don’t have to pretend you’re okay when you’re not.

You don’t have to follow someone else’s timeline.

And you don’t have to let go of the person you loved in order to keep living.

Over time, the goal may not be to leave your grief behind.

It may be to learn how to carry it differently, while finding your way towards a life that can once again contain love, connection, purpose and meaning.

And if you’re struggling to navigate that journey alone, reaching out for support isn’t a sign that you’re not coping.

Sometimes, having someone walk alongside you through the grief can make an incredibly difficult journey feel a little less lonely.

You don’t have to do it alone.

Disclaimer: This is for information purposes only. If you have any concerns about your physical or mental health, please consult your healthcare practitioner for medical advice.