5 Beliefs Keeping Mums Stuck in Survival Mode

If you’re like any of the mums I’ve supported in private practice over the past ten years or so, you’re smart, caring, capable and loving.

Yet despite everything you manage to hold, achieve, organise, and show up for, you might often feel stressed-out, anxious, or as though you’re simply ‘surviving’ each week (rather than enjoying motherhood and life in the ways you once imagined…).

Over the years, I’ve noticed some interesting patterns amongst the mums who reach out to me. These are mums who are seeking relief from constant stress, overwhelm, anxiety, or mood swings that are getting in the way of living a calmer and happier life with their families.

One of the most common problems that comes to light through our counselling or coaching sessions together, is their thinking patterns. And, beyond these thoughts, deep within, are beliefs they carry around unconsciously, day after day, that are keeping them stuck.

It’s our beliefs that influence our choices, and behaviours through life. And in turn, this influences our emotions, moods, and state of mind. But the challenge is, that these beliefs usually remain hidden, until we allow ourselves (often with the facilitation of a counsellor or therapist), to bring them up into the spotlight, and gently examine them.

Here are 5 common beliefs that many mums tell themselves:

These are known as ‘false beliefs’, and often fall under the category of ‘cognitive distortions’, which are unhelpful ways of thinking or looking at the world we live in. I’ve also included some suggestions of how you could reframe these unhelpful thoughts so you can feel lighter, and less overwhelmed.

1. I Should Be Able To Do It All

Unhelpful “should” thinking is one of the biggest problematic thoughts, that I hear from mums.

Many mums assume that because they see others managing ‘all the things’ at times, that they should also be able to manage everything …all the time.

This is an unrealistic belief, and very unhelpful to buy into. This thought can quickly lead to feeling ‘less than’ (the comparison trap!) while also being overwhelmed or anxious. It can feel like a never-ending spiral throughout motherhood.

The truth is, no-one is doing it all – especially not all of the time.

Many mums are carrying more than is sustainable, which can lead to mental health challenges, relationship breakdowns, or burnout.

If this is you, a replacement belief could be:

“I’m not meant to carry everything on my own – it’s okay to ask for help.”

2. Everyone Else is Coping Much Better

If this is a belief you hold, I wonder what has led you to thinking this way. How much has social media influenced this negative thought?

Chances are, the mum you admire, look up to, or think has it all together, may be quietly struggling behind-the-scenes in some way.

There are many high-functioning mums who appear happy and successful, who are struggling with anxiety (read more on this HERE).

If this is you, a replacement belief could be:

“I’m only seeing a snapshot of their life – I won’t always know if they’re struggling in private.”

3. Once I Get Everything Done, I Can Relax

Many mums feel this one.

There’s often a deeply held (or unconscious) belief that rest must be earned, or that you need permission to take time out, relax and restore yourself.

The problem here, is that your to-do list never ends. There is always something that needs to be done – another load of washing, another email, another WhatsApp reply, another appointment to book, invoice to pay, etc…

If rest depends on completion, you’ll never take it.

If this is you, a replacement belief could be:

“Rest is a necessity for me to be a happy and healthy mum – it’s not a reward.”

4. It’s Selfish to Put Myself First

Struggling to prioritise your own needs at times? You’re not alone with this one.

Often attached to other beliefs around others being more important than you, not wanting to neglect your children’s needs, or believing that a ‘good mother’ is self-sacrificing, the cost of putting yourself at the bottom of your list could mean:

• Exhaustion
• Resentment
• Chronic stress, anxiety or other mental health problems
• Burnout
• Relationship conflict

Caring for yourself – in mind, body and soul, isn’t selfish. It’s essential. This is how you continue to show up as a happy and healthy Mum.

If this is you, a replacement belief could be:

“My wellbeing matters as much as anyone else” or

“In order to be a good Mum, I need to look after myself, too”.

5. If I Slow Down, Everything Will Crumble

Ever feel like you’re the glue holding everything together?

I’ve heard this from many mums in our sessions together. Over time, they believe that they are responsible for more than they need to be.

Beliefs like: “If I let it go, everything will unravel”, or “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done”

If this is you, a replacement belief could be:

“I am not responsible for everything – I don’t have to carry it all.”

The truth is, many mothers don’t need more advice or information. They often need to be heard, validated, and gently given permission to question the unhelpful beliefs that are keeping them stuck or unhappy in their day-to-day lives.

The stories you tell yourself matter – and the beliefs beneath them are often responsible for your stress, anxiety, overwhelm, or burnout.

And sometimes, it’s doing LESS, or LETTING GO, that is the biggest help of all.

If you’d like private and personalised support, I’d love to help you.

Wendy Gilroy

Disclaimer: This is for information purposes only. If you have any concerns about your physical or mental health, please consult your healthcare practitioner for medical advice.